Open a Window

For the past 25 years, I have observed the first day of school in one way or another.  That first “first” day was my daughter’s beginning of Pre-School.  The years that followed took us through Kindergarten, Elementary, Middle, High School and College.

These years also included all my first days as a teacher and principal.   When my girls were in school it was great because it signaled the beginning of routine and the coming of fall.  When I was teaching it was exciting to meet a new group of students and know I was embarking on my favorite subject matter yet again (United States History!) Principal-ing meant a whole different set of emotions as I felt a responsibility for so many beautiful children.

The Teacher Years

No matter which year it was though I had a love/hate relationship with the first day.  Summer for a teacher is why we have teachers. If teachers didn’t get the time “off”, they’d never come back.  When you are principal-ing, you don’t really get a summer, as there are too many things that need to be completed for the coming year. While this was not the main reason I chose to leave education at this time, it’s hard when you feel like you never get a break.

Ever.

So now I am no longer in the education profession.  This was a conscious choice I made and while I initially thought I might go back into the classroom full time if a History job was open, I realized quickly this was not what I wanted anymore.  In addition, my personal obligations are such that I need some flexibility right now. My family needs me in a more present way.

Realizing a Change Needed to Happen

The burnout I felt was real and when looking deep inside myself, I realized my heart could no longer be in a profession that seems seriously flawed on so many levels.  While I loved the “teaching”, the additional pressures put on educators were killing me.  And let’s not even get started on some of the parents.  I LOVED the kids.  Absolutely loved them – even the ones who at times were quite unlovable!  I loved the teachers I worked with.  They were my family and I hope still are.  But, I knew it was time to move on.

I was lower than I have even been in my life (and I went through a divorce!)  Each day was a struggle to make it through without crawling in my closet and crying nonstop. My mind went to a place I wasn’t sure I could get out of. I had to start taking an anti-depressant.  I was awake all hours of the night.  Then, at the depths of my despair, I decided to slam my teacher door shut.  God didn’t necessarily close that door to open a window, I did.  And I did without any idea of what I was going to do.  I just knew it had to be done.  The door had slammed shut and the window was far from opening – it was dirty and quite stuck.

The fear and uncertainty was a bit overwhelming, but I knew it was the right choice at the time.  I took one day at a time and leaned on my family and friends.  I cried and mourned a career I thought I was in forever.  Then, I got up and started cleaning that window inch by dirty inch.

Finding My Way

I started putting myself first.  I reconnected with friends and activities that had been put on the back burner.  My backyard was renovated.  I traveled a little and plan to do a lot more.  I slept like I haven’t slept in years.

As the first day of another school year is upon us, I am more at peace than ever.  I am no longer awake at all hours of the night.  I am no longer constantly unable to remove myself from work (I know, my problem!) I am no longer feeling dread on Sunday nights about facing circumstances I have no power to change.  I might miss the excitement and jitters as kids enter the classroom.  I might miss the fresh new workbooks and sparkling clean white boards.  I might miss the camaraderie that is unique to teachers.  I might miss the routine.  And then again, I might not.

Moving On

I am in the best place I have been in a long time.  I will love seeing the Back to School photos my friends share.  I will reflect on the many years of First Day photos I have been a part of.  Perhaps I will take a different First Day photo this year. This one will reflect the Mary Beth that is content, happy and in the best place she’s been in a very long time.

With my best friend, Lilly. Ready to get that window shiny clean and wide open!